Gone but not really!

This post is written for and with the permission of my friend Nina.

Two of my friends died at the end of last month. I had known Sandra nearly 7 years and Rebecca almost 6 years. The two of them had gone to Sanya just for a holiday and never came back. They were standing on the edge of a cliff face overlooking the ocean and posing for a picture with Sandra’s dog Daisy, when Daisy leapt out of Sandra’s arms. This startled the girls and they lost balance and plunged into the ocean. Both girls were strong swimmers with Rebecca living, studying and working in Australia for over a decade and like me, she had a certain affinity for water. Water calms us and soothes us. When faced with suffering we always found solace by the riverside or seaside. Rebecca visited the beach a lot. And Sandra was a good swimmer too. I taught her to swim myself. I found out that when my friends slipped, the fall knocked out Rebecca and she drowned. Sandra had fallen into the water too but she had hit her head and neck on some rocks in the water which caused paralysis and someone found her and alerted the coastguard. When she had arrived at the hospital, she was already comatose. Sandra’s sister Nina had called me and found me in HK as I was coming back from the HK airport after putting my mother on the plane to Japan. I thought that as usual these sisters were playing a practical joke on me. But Nina’s choked voice told me she was serious. She begged me to go and I returned to HK airport and requested for the first flight to Sanya. On arrival at the hospital, the doctor took me aside and told me “there’s nothing that they could do. Her neck’s broken. Better make your peace. I thought I didn’t hear it right. I hoped it was just that my Mandarin was bad and I didn’t understand it correctly. I asked the doctor again and I got the same answer. Nina came back outside the ICU and asked me what the doctor said. I had no answer. As soon as Nina came out of the ICU, I put on my mask, gloves and gown and went in. Sandra looked like she had fallen asleep due to being very tired. A nurse walked in and asked if I wanted to be outside as she had to check Sandra’s wounds and she did not think I would like to see her like that. I stayed anyway. When the nurse turned Sandra to check the back of her head it was obvious she wasn’t just tired and asleep. The back of her head was twice as big in size and bore an ugly wound that would gross out any normal person. A thousand memories flashed through my head and at the same time I was praying she went quickly and peacefully. The nurse left. Nina knocked on the door to let me know she wanted to come in. Only one visitor was allowed at a time in the ICU. I went out and cried. I promised myself I would cry now and not cry again and not show any emotions to Nancy. Laura called and I told her doctors said Sandra’s condition was serious but there’s a good chance she will recover. She knew from my voice I was lying and she arrived from Hunan the next morning. By this time Nina had gathered the courage to speak to the doctor herself and couldn’t stop sobbing. Laura and Nina hugged each other and sobbed while I could only offer lame hope that the doctor says there is no chance but he is not God. I requested the hospital authorities to allow Nina, Laura and myself to be in Sandra’s room at the same time as it was her last few hours with us. (As it turned out Sandra was with us nearly 3 more days). Later that evening, a small miracle occurred. Sandra gained consciousness briefly but her mind was too muddled to understand where she was and what had happened to her. She was at first surprised to see Nina, Laura and myself as she probably thought she was at home. She couldn’t understand why the girls were crying and what we all were doing there. I explained she and Rebecca had been in an accident and she was in a hospital now and would be fine in a few days. She slowly remembered what happened and asked how Rachel and Daisy were. Nina couldn’t stop crying and left the room so that Sandra would not figure out she was dying. I lied that Rebecca was fine and like her was in another ICU room and would be fine in a few days and dogs were not allowed in the hospital but Daisy was fine too. The doctor came to see her and I went to take a picture with Daisy for Sam to see. When I came back the doctor was gone and Nina was talking to her and Sandra said she felt fine but her head was hurting and she wanted to sit up in her bed but she couldn’t. Nina did not how to tell Sandra that she could not sit up because her whole body was paralyzed. I lied again that because of the anesthesia she was still numb and that in a few hours the anesthesia would wear off and she could sit or maybe even take a walk with us. As I sat by her bed she said to me quite calmly “I’m dying, am I not?” I said “Of course not. Doctor says you should be fine in a week”. “No” she said. “I heard the nurses talking. They say it’s a surprise I am still alive. And if I am not dying then why are you here? Didn’t you say you cannot join us for the Sanya holiday because you had to load goods in Ningbo so how come you are here if I am not dying?” I protested that the nurses and doctors were not God. What they said did not matter. She was stubborn and I know she would be fine. And I was in Sanya because I cared for her and so postponed my order. If the client does not understand I’ll lose money but she was more valuable than any order. Sandra said “If I am dying, I don’t want that my father comes to see me. I want orange juice. I want to meet your girlfriend once before. I want to tell her not to let you go. I want to eat some fish balls. Sandra was still muddled in the head and we weren’t sure if we could understand everything she was saying. Nina left the room again as the pain was too much for her. I too was about to cry again so I lied to Sandra that I would go to Rebecca’s room and see how she was. I left and Laura went back in to sit by her. When I came back in, Sam had slipped back into a coma and Laura had fallen asleep in her chair. Later that night, I asked the doctor if Sandra’s waking from her coma in the evening improved her chances? He said he was surprised she woke but said that it doesn’t change anything. I think he said something that meant her spinal cord was broken and that her paralysis was permanent and it was unlikely that she would even wake up again. Nina cried herself to sleep. In the morning Nina’s husband arrived. He had brought a bible to place under Sandra’s pillow. He asked if he should bring a priest in case Sandra woke up again. I objected. If Sam woke up and saw a priest she would definitely know she was dying. That whole day Sandra lay there lifeless and didn’t wake up. Nina had just one question for me that whole day. “What will I tell my daughter when she tells me she wants to go meet aunt Sam?” Laura hugged me like I was the one dying and fell asleep. All I did the whole night was pray and hope Sandra would wake up. It didn’t happen. It was almost as if she was angry with us and ignoring us. In the morning I slept for an hour or so and I think I dreamt of Rebecca. The doctor came to check on Sandra. He said there was no change in her condition and none was expected. A nurse came and checked Sandra’s wound. I requested her to clean Sandra with a wet towel and the kind woman obliged. Nina put some cologne on the towel and said “Sandra smells nice now”. More crying. Sandra was still in her coma.

The night came and Nina said she knew in her heart Sandra would not see the dawn. The 3 of us fell asleep. I woke around 4am to find Sam looking at me. Do you know what she said? “Hey, dreamy eyes“! That’s what she always called me especially if I had just woken up! She was awake and her mind was clear. So clear that she didn’t seem like she was going to die anytime soon. Her voice was weak and she spoke with a slur because of the medications but her mind was so clear she was the usual talkative, smart and funny Sam again. She said “Let go of my sister and come give me a hug instead. I am still single, she’s not!”. I didn’t know how but I laughed. I was about to wake Nina and Laura when Sam said “Let them sleep. I want to talk to you first”. I went over and squeezed her arm. She said “What bad luck I have. I finally get you to touch me but I can’t feel it”. I told her to get well and she will get more hugs from me. She asked me again for my girlfriend. I said the same thing “When you get well I promise to take you to her and you two can talk as much as you like. She said “I know I am dying so don’t make me silly promises. I am not a baby so please treat me as an adult at least today”. I thought she felt she was dying because last time she woke from her coma, she had spoken about hearing nurses expressing surprise that she was still alive. So I said “Doctors are not God. I have faith in God. You should too”. She said “I spoke to God. He wants me. I just want to say goodbye”. We spoke for maybe 20-30mins. She then asked me to wake Nina. They spoke for a while. Laura woke up too. Soon Sandra was making us laugh and cry at the same time. It was the last time. She said she wanted to sleep. We just wanted to keep talking. But she said it was time for her to sleep. Nina climbed onto the bed from the other side. Between us, Sandra fell asleep. It was 5:11am in my watch when she slept. Sandra was declared dead at 3:18pm. For me, she had died at 5:11am.