Here’s how to torture your man – harmlessly!!!

This is once again for my reader Jessica T.

I had originally written this as a continuation to my post about society and women and cheating husbands and the mindset of women (Chinese women in particular). I will find that post very shortly… Promise.

So here goes…

Women, when your men behave like typical men and hurt you, please don’t go and sleep with another man to hurt him. It may work and the passion will flare again but the crack that it leaves will soon catch up with your relationship and destroy it. If your man is an ass, just dump him and move on but if he is a keeper and just a little insensitive to your needs then torture him harmlessly. You will keep your relationship and trust me you will have him eating out of your hands.  So here we go….

1)  Keep showing him the most unflattering parts of your body and ask him “Am I not beautiful? Am I fat?” Ask him again and again. (warning: it doesn’t work if the man loves you like I do, I love every inch of my woman. LOL)

2) Next time you guys get busy under the sheets, pretend to fake an orgasm and then tell him that you faked it! It works in two ways… firstly the man makes you come more for hiss own ego then your enjoyment. So if you say you faked it, it hurts his ego and maybe even makes him feel a little incapable. And if he actually wants to make you come for you, then it hurts him because he thinks you do not want to waste your time on the act and so you faked it so you guys could stop. This makes him feel that you don’t like/love him enough. (Warning: doesn’t work on a man like me. I really wanted her to have fun. She would say I should too but I would say if I did, then I would get switched off and then how would I make her go 10 times tonight! Lol. My baby came every single time and I always wanted her to go again and again and again. So if your man is like that there really is no need to torture him is there?)

3) Treat him to a good massage – from a MALE masseuse. (warning: it doesn’t work on some guyss. We don’t even like the concept of a ‘massage’)

4) Go to the supermarket and do some research. Find out what they do NOT have in stock. Then come back home and tell him “Honey, I need this now and I need it desperately. It’s at this supermarket. It’s usually hard to find but I know its there. Make sure you don’t come back without it. And While you are there pick me up some sanitary pads aand don’t you dare ask whether I need light flow/normal flow/heavy flow. You ought to know by now”. (Warning: It won’t work if he just buys it from another market and the sanitary pads may not embarrass him, if he has already bought them before. And if its hiss first time and he doesn’t shrink in terror at the thought of buying them, does he need to be tortured? LOL)

4) Call him during the day when he is at work and be really naughty and tell him he can continue the raunchiness whe he gets home so tell him to come home early and ask him to bring condoms. When he comes home you are not there. You are at dinner with your girlfriends. LOL. For good measure, do it again. LMAO.

More memories!

This cartoon was made around the middle of January of 2009. I was to visit a tattoo convention in Singapore on the 20th of Jan 2009. My baby had missed out on going to Singapore for the New Year of 2008 and since this tattoo convention was in Singapore, I thought it a good chance to convince her to go. In 2008, I had made her a list of things to do and not do when traveling and had also given her a list of places to visit and the must-see spots. I also told her not to worry about the visa as I had already spoken to the Singapore Embassy and would apply her visa. She eventually did not go. (I had made a cartoon to convince her to go to Shanghai with me earlier and it had worked. In that cartoon the boy is kneeling like he was proposing to the girl but instead of a ring he was holding up the famous Shanghai Oriental TV Tower (东方明珠电视塔 [dōngfāngmíngzhūdiànshìtǎ]). That plan worked!) Back to our story – I tried to convince her to go with me to Singapore. She has always been the kind that wants to do so much but she needs to be convinced and egged on and encouraged. So I was telling her day in and day out to go to Singapore with me. (Of course, truth be told, the tattoo convention was not too very important for me and i was looking more at taking her to SG).  Everyday I called her from India and drilled it into her head to go to SG. Then one day I heard the news that China and Singapore had signed a free trade agreement. I told her about it and used that as an excuse to convince her to go to SG and maybe even find some business. In a few days she said “When do you want to go? How long we go?” I got excited. We eventually did not go. As usual!

The first panel of the cartoon above shows a boy (me) fishing and he is using “Singapore” as a bait to lure the fish ((my baby JJ). Notice that the weather is good and the sky is clear. This depicts that its a good time to fish or a good time go to Singapore. The Chinese words mean China-Singapore Free trade agreement which indicate that the time is good to go to SG (thats why good weather in the cartoon).

Above is the second panel of the cartoon. Note that upon seeing the bait the eyes of the fish are wide open. It signifies my baby JJ’s eyes lighting up at the thought of going to Singapore. (She was definitely interested in going I can tell you that)

The above panel is the third of the cartoon. Here it shows the fish tasting the bait. This is to show how I knew that JJ was definitely wanting to go to SG but her mind always holds her back. I so wanted her to go. I always thought SG and HK are the best cities in Asia. True cosmopolitans.

Above is the fourth panel of the cartoon.  It shows that most of the bait has been eaten by the fish and only the hook is left. The idea was to show that JJ was on the edge of the cliff and only had to make the jump.This was because she was now interested and asked how long we would go for and where we would stay and how much it would cost. And she was afraid to fly alone. She didn’t say it directly but we had a strong connection always so I told her if she wanted I would go to China first and then fly with her to SG.

And that is the final panel of my cartoon. It shows the boy happily dreaming that fish has been hooked. This means I was dreaming big dreams and had already planned where to stay and where to take her when we were there. JJ finally decided not to go and so the cartoon shows that the fish has eaten her fill of the bait and not got hooked. It is mocking the boy by showing him her tongue.

The day JJ finally decided not to go, I thought of a cartoon. Over the next two days and a few sketches, this was the final result.

How to buy lingerie as a gift for your lady!

This post is inspired by a request from my Aussie reader Thomas D. He wanted some advice on how to buy innerwear for his lady. Follow that link here http://swaggerboy.wordpress.com/2010/01/15/150/

At the same time, another reader Nora had asked how is it that I know so much about innerwear? Firstly, I am a voracious reader. I am not a TV person. I rather read a newspaper about things that I never knew existed and I somehow remember. And besides, when my father was importing innerwear from Thailand, I used to look through them and that’s where I learnt about various bras. Finally, I once had a friend whose family owned a store in Venezuela that stocked all the most famous brands of the world. And some bras from Triumph had tags with size instructions. Finally, before I bought my first bra three years ago for my baby I did some research! (never had bought bras for no one before her!).  And it was a bra from Triumph and she loved it. Following which I bought other brands and but I still favor Triumph and Marks & Spencer!

So here goes… How to buy lingerie for your loved one!

There’s a special day coming up for the lady in your life (or you and your lady!). What do you buy? A wonderful answer is lingerie, but it is also a recipe for disaster for many men. What to buy and in what size is a terrifying mystery. Also, what style of lingerie should a man buy for the woman in his life? It’s so damn easy to buy something inappropriate or in the wrong size, which can create an awkward situation for you and offend your lady. And women offended are a terrible curse. This is usually the reason men go directly to the perfume or gift token counter in their local friendly department store. However, when you get it right, lingerie can be a much appreciated luxurious and intimate gift.

Great, so how do we go about buying lingerie as a gift right?

Don’t panic people. Buying the right underwear is achievable if you follow this little guide!

It’s a gift for her so make sure you buy What She Likes – NOT What YOU Want To See!
The most common mistake made by guys is treating a lingerie buying trip as the opportunity to buy your significant other some daring undies you’ve never seen her in. Look, who’s this underwear for? If your woman has never jumped on you in a dominatrix outfit when you return home then she is definitely not going to appreciate you buying her kinky underwear. Chances are she’ll (rightly) assume you bought a gift for yourself and want her to wear it for your entertainment. Worse still you might end up making her feel like a whore! This is definitely the right way to find yourself spending your romantic night by yourself and your pet dog! (However, if its not the first time you are buying your woman underwear you could find something with taste and class and yet be kinky. I am too lazy to actually search and put up pictures of what I think is tastefully kinky so better do your homework well. No crazy shit with cuffs and chains and shit. Those you don’t buy and gift. Those you talk about. You find out if she is into that stuff then you go buy it together. And if its the first time that you are buying her undies then better just stick to something feminine and comfortable. Feminine is the key word here. You want to make her feel like a woman. Not a hooker. So repeat after me… It’s not for me, it’s for her. It’s not for me, it’s for her. It’s not for me, it’s for her! Rofl.

Want to buy the right thing? Ask yourself the following questions….

Don’t judge too quickly!

For those in love… Don’t judge too quickly… besides the obvious problems of jumping to conclusions, there is a more serious problem that we miss. How the person you judged feels. You make your lover feel that you don’t trust them. Trust is everything.

A funny collection of videos about how you can judge too quickly…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8Keo97K9cs

Note: This link to the video may not work in China as Youtube is blocked here.

Do read the disclaimer here: http://swaggerboy.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?action=edit&post=13

How to buy the right bra!

No woman should wear the wrong bra again!

I took this picture on Granville Road in HK (I have blacked out the name of the store so as not to be liable for defamation) while waiting for a friend’s wife to join me for lunch. As I stood there I saw this store and the caption “No woman should wear the wrong bra again”. I finished lunch and told my friend’s wife that I had some shopping to do and would meet her later. Can’t take her with me to a lingerie store now, can I? LOL. So I hop across the street and do a little browsing in the store. Not buying any more undies for my baby. I still have four sets lying at home (you can read about that here http://swaggerboy.wordpress.com/2010/01/12/things-i-love-and-hate-about-china/). But I was curious to see if the store could live up to a rather challenging claim. After all, everyday I see women in the wrong under-clothing. Especially on the mainland. The women there do not know what a T-shirt bra is and they sure don’t know what a sport bra is. So I’m in this store and checking out the goods. Surprisingly the store almost lived up to its claim of having the right bras for women of any shape. They had half-buckets, cross-straps, t-shirt bras, full cups, non-wired, sports bras, balconettes, they had almost every bra a regular woman would need in a regular life. So far so good. Now I won’t give up so easily so I decide to test the staff. After all, you can have the material but if you don’t use it well you won’t get the desired result. “Give me flour but don’t necessarily expect a perfect cake”. So I scan through the bras and the sizes and finally find one which did not have a size 75B (30B) in the rack. So here’s the test. Would the staff be able to find a size 75B in the stockroom? If they don’t, would they take down my number and arrange for it and call me when they have it? I was in for disappointment.

What the Devil did in the first 7 days!

I read this in one of my favorite magazines called Reader’s Digest. A magazine I recommend to everyone. I have introduced this to my loved one and she showed her gratefulness by being busy reading it and ignoring me at coffee! A fun read. We all know what God did in the first 7 days, here’s what the Devil was doing.  So here goes……

What the Devil did in the first 7 days!

In the Beginning, God created the heavens and the earth when the earth was without form and void. God made a circular light in the heavens, the Sun, and God saw that the light was good.

The Devil made a smaller light, rectangular in shape. He called it the TV, and he saw that the light was bad, very bad.

And God made springs to shoot out from the ground, giving pure, fresh water. And God saw that the water was good.

Well, the Devil invented fizzy drinks, and saw that the fizzy drinks were bad, very bad.

God then said, “Let the earth bring forth vegetables, and the herbs of the fields, that the children may grow up healthy”. And so it was.

And the Devil said, “Let there be deep fried potatoes”.

God commanded the waters to bring forth tens of thousands of varieties of fish, that they may provide sustenance for the children.

And the Devil arranged that the fish be smothered in batter, deep fried and served with deep-fried potatoes.

And God created the cattle and all sorts of animals and commanded, “Behold, I have given you every living creature that moveth; to you it shall be for meat”.

The Devil showed how the meat could be minced and turned into burgers, and suggested that it be always served with deep fried potatoes.

The God rested on the seventh day and asked that His children rest too, and to use the day to contemplate the wonders of creation.

And the Devil created the all-day brunch, cartoon TV channels, and Sunday newspapers filled with celebrity gossips, that the minds of the children be filled with rubbish and their bodies filled with yet more deep-fried potatoes.

Now God said to the boy, “Take the girl, go forth and multiply. And of your seed, I shall make a great nation, as numberless as the stars of the heavens”.

Winter!

I love the winter. I love the summer but here in China I believe I love winter more. Down in Guangzhou the winters are not too severe (this year has been colder though) and its just so perfect to curl up on a couch with yoru loved one and have some hot tea or coffee and read a good book. Taking a walk on the streets makes you feel alive as there is usually a light breeze and the blood warms up when you walk. And the women in Guangzhou usually do not have the best of dressing sense but winter dressing almost rivals the women from HK (hey don’t shoot me… the mainland has grown leaps and bounds in terms of fashion – HK of course cannot be matched). But winter makes Chinese women more feminine i think. Stockings, boots and fitted jackets. I love boots. Short skirts and long jackets. Smart hats. Luscious black hair peeping out from behind cute hats. Women look so very alluring. My friends call me the dog that chases the car. I love women and I admire them but they fall in my lap and quite often proposition me directly (is “take me home and f*** me” direct enough?) but I always turn them down.  They say I am like a dog that runs behind cars but what the hell would the dog do if he caught the car? Lol. I laugh about it but it does get worrying that only my girlfriend turns me on (I am MALE.. anything in a skirt is supposed to get my blood heated!) Oh my baby. Sigh. I have a whole bunch of Chinese books and magazines at home just for you. Wish I could curl up on the couch with you and some tea. Oh well. Winter will go and I will still be here.

Who would you save?

Hard-on? Am I becoming asexual?

Woke up this morning with a HUGE boner. I only realized when I turned over and couldn’t turn no more. I was  a tripod! Sure like all men, I wake up with a hard on. But this was the mother of all hard-ons. I can’t remember being that hard in a year. But then again I haven’t ‘seen’ my baby in almost a year. Mostly met her at the coffee shop.  Anyway, back to my hard-on. So I get out of bed and as every man does, go ahead and brush my teeth and put my tea on the stove and wait for the little erection to subside. Surprisingly, it was a persistent one. So I tell myself, “Is my body telling me I need a release? It has been a while. Well, more than a while. So much so, that I can’t remember when was the last time I choked the chicken. So anyway, I think I better listen to my body’s desperate call for a release. I get in the shower and I spank the meat. After a few minutes, I give up. I have actually lost the desire. My libido has waned. Most men would run to the hospital in panic. I am relaxed. I know my problem. It’s not the libido, it’s the woman. I need her. My hard-on went away eventually but emotionally I am still empty. I miss her. Body and soul. Heart and spirit.

Things I love and hate about China!

Once again, this post is one that is constantly updated as and when I remember stuff and when I am not too lazy to start typing!

In a couple weeks I will complete 7 years and enter my 8th year in China. Its been a ride that I never expected to last so long. I shouldn’t have even been here longer than a year. But here I am and along the way I have seemingly become “yi ban zhongguoren” (one half Chinese – though now I feel 85% Chinese)! In all these years in China, there have been ups and downs, love and hate.

Lets start with some of my favorites!

1. At the public urinals, Chinese men will always turn and peer and try to get a look at what you are packing! More than one guy was trying so hard that they almost turned enough to pee on me! The first few times it happened it was amusing, flattering even! I used to walk out with a big grin that said “you won’t ever get one that big”. But after the first few times it got on my nerves. Come on, a guy is trying to take a piss here. And now its just plain disgusting. Enough already. It’s almost gay!
2. I love how many times I have stood at a bus station staring at the numbers of buses that stop there and some or the other young eager Chinese person would timidly ask me where I wanted to go in the best English they could speak. It still happens these days but not as much as I don’t stare at the bus numbers, I read them! I read enough to get to about 40 destinations and of course top destination has always been ZhongShanBa! (中山八 – and it’s among the easiest to read and write too)!
3. The babies! They are all so cute and round and chubby and when its cold, their cheeks are very very pink! Guaranteed to bring a smile to your face!  Wonder what happens to all that cuteness when they grow up?!
4. The attitude of local men and women just so pisses me off. Women contribute more than men in every possible way. They work harder, they are more responsible, they are self-sufficient but yet they feel they are below the men and they really feel they need a man very much. How else can you explain what you see in the cafes? I usually sit in some café once a week and have some tea and read a book. I always see the guys sitting down and playing games on their mobiles and the women standing in line to order the food and then stand in the self-service line, pick up their food and bring it to the table. On a couple of occasions, I even saw the guy complain that the food was missing some sauce or flavoring and the girl went to get some for him. JESUS CHRIST! I am all for equality of the sexes and I treat women as equal and capable. But what the f***! How the hell can you even let your woman bring your food to you? Chivalry is dead. I would not even let my baby stand when we go went out to eat. Hell, if she comes home  I see to it all the time that she has tea and food first before anything else. Whats wrong with the women? Why do they still live in the past? It’s a man’s world because they let it be. When will they stand up and demand to be treated as equals if not superior?And what’s wrong with the men here?